I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
