Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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