I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
