Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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