if i can run in heels then i can drive
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
