You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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