Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
