remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
