i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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