thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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