I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
bring money and cleavage
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
