I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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