I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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