I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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