Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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