mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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