i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
