alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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