I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
