3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
