he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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