no, he came in my armpit
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
