please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
