you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
