OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
