just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
