I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
