Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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