is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
