I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
