oh god the rape fog is back!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
