Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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