Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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