Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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