3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
