i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
