im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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