pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
