Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
