but the lizard people decide everything anyway
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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