just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So squirting runs in the family.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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