I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
