I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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