hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
