My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
