see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
