farters have to be the big spoon...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
