i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
