I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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