The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
