Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
