I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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