When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
