i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
People in love make me want to vomit
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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