I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
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She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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