so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
