I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
