i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
